I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
