to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
