Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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