I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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