dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
