Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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