It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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