He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
