I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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