Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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