why didn't you poke me back
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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