I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize