I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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