i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
you had me at cake vodka
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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