I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
