What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
