Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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