Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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