Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
