I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
