you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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