Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
