you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
