you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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