i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
