i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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