Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
