I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
