I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
