When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
