the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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