a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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