That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I look better un-naked...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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