I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm like, not good at living.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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