just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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