oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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