I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
