Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
