She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
