I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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