it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i dont even know how to be here
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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