just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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