I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My Higher Power is John Stamos
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
