I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
