one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
