The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
