you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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