Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
