I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I smell like Dick and happiness
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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