I just pynch a tree in the face
Please, let me fuck your mom
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
She bit a glass in half.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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