i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
