you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
