I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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