Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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