apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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