my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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