Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
