The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
