I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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