I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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