just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize