I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
