if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
