I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize