Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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