I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
