the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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