true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
