if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
